Children feeling worthwhile

Of course we all want our children to grow into self-sufficient and confident adults and we struggle from time to time with many things which deliver only part of what we want for our families.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could rely on a relatively simple principle and have confidence that this will provide a pathway to raising these kind of adults?  A woman who passed on in 1988 provided us with several ideas to be successful in this project emphasizing the importance of feelings of self-worth in our children from day one of the child’s life.  Over the years that she worked and wrote, Virginia Satir, a native of Wisconsin, led us into simple understanding of developing positive views of self and of others as well.  She was known as one of the first who told us that we needed ten hugs per day to maintain positive mental health.  

So, today’s message comes from a statement Satir offered time and again in her family therapy.  Can you imagine how children will grow in a family where this thought has a central position? 

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible – the kind of atmosphere that in found in a a nurturing family.”  -Virginia Satir

–INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES ARE APPRECIATED:  Perhaps each of us needs to remind ourselves from time to time that different doesn’t mean ‘better’ and doesn’t mean ‘worse’ – only different.  Consider the life and contribution of one Itzhak Perlman, who had polio at an early age and has developed into a superb musician and benevolent human being.  Imagine this:  ‘At the age of three, he was denied entrance to the Shulamit Conservatory for being too small to hold a violin.’ 

–MISTAKES ARE TOLERATED: Actually, I would go even beyond that position since I believe that one way to learn something new is to experiment with possibilities knowing that along the way someone will make mistakes.  Didn’t Thomas Edison attempt to build a workable light bulb many, many times before he succeeded?  And, didn’t he make nearly as many ‘false starts’ in his creation of many other things including the phonograph?  I’m going to assume that Edison learned from each of his many ‘mistakes’ (false starts).  

–COMMUNICATION IS OPEN:  While I truly believe that parents should provide proper examples of practical and appropriate communication, we need to continue to let our children communicate with us in ways we might not at first glance understand.  They don’t have a well developed vocabulary and will strive to communicate with us as we communicate with them.  When we listen to our children, we provide an example for them to follow in listening to adults – including parents.  Inappropriate language needs to be addressed and gently corrected.  Open communication in the home can help children succeed in many adult activities later in their lives.

   -RULES ARE FLEXIBLE:  Flexible, in this context, does not mean wishy-washy, but rather implores the people involved in enforcing the rules can use common sense judgements rather than just ‘parroting the code’.  My personal belief is that the fewer rules we have, the more effective can be the interaction between parents and children.  And, by using adult judgment, we can truly make the consequences be appropriate to the situation.  I am not one who favors zero tolerance rules as they can create much unnecessary turmoil in the inappropriate enforcement of some rules.  “Three strikes and you go to prison” the law stated.  The young fella took a CD from a music store, he was out beyond the curfew for his neighborhood, and, as a third strike, he stole a package of gum from a grocery.  Would you send him to prison?  Will he experience a ‘nurturing’ experience there?